Wednesday, January 03, 2018

feeling and being known

when God allows so much familiarity to be removed, He becomes more familiar.

i've also heard it said, "when you feel most as though God has abandoned you, it is then that you are able to be most abandoned to God."

he takes the strand of fake pearls when we offer it.  then, he gives us the strand of real pearls. 

we do have to offer it.  i don't think he will rip it out of our hands. 

but, sometimes there is a period of waiting.  and our hands are empty.  our hearts feel a little empty.  but, there is good in the empty. 

in the emptiness and the dark, God shows up.  it may not be immediate.  there is often a lot of waiting and wondering and sometimes questioning.

here are a few stories of God showing up in my life in the last decade that i do not want to forget. 

i had carried the weight of post-partum depression with my first child for a little over a year.  i remember the moment that i felt a physical, but invisible weight being lifted off of my shoulders.  it was during a time of prayer.  after this healing, i was at home a lot with my son and sometimes i would have the tv on for background noise.  it was 2009, but at the time we did not have cable so i would flip through the few channels i could get.  one of them was a Christian station and i would sometimes listen to what they had to say.  i would often begin with a critical eye or as i like to think, a discerning eye, and end in tears with God revealing something new to me about Himself through someone's story.  God began to become very personal to me during that time and i saw him as a God who pursues.  i had never seen him like that before.  i picked up a copy of Redeeming Love by 
Rivers from a yard sale and read it in a couple of days.  i also read The Shack by Young.  all of this greatly influenced me.  sometimes on the tv station, they would play these very peaceful music videos.  and one of the songs they played over and over was Child of God by Kathryn Scott.  another song that influenced this time was brooke fraser's Hymn.  it definitely speaks of one wandering away and God pursuing in love.  "till i only dwell in thee."

in 2007, i learned revelation 21:3,
"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God."

i was starting to see the Bible as all working together from Genesis to Revelation, as one big story, not as separate books and authors.  i had always heard and believed, God wants a relationship with you.  God wants to save you.  But, i was then learning and still am, a bigger, deeper part of that.  everything was starting to have more meaning and honestly making more sense.  God is holy, he loves us and wants us to be with him forever, and it is with this holy God that there is true acceptance and peace because of Jesus.  and later, in 2014, Jesus as the Passover Lamb, would become frighteningly and wonderfully more clear to me.  

i remember the period of time when my husband had to travel every week for work for months.  and we did not know when the end would be.  and i had three very young children.  there was a week in february near my birthday.  i was getting a sinus infection, there had been a lot of snow days.  i had been tired for a long time.  i felt very alone and also never alone with three little ones running around and needing lots of care as little ones do.  in the evenings when the kids were in bed i would watch The Voice to keep my mind off of reality.  and i would look up certain songs on YouTube that i had heard on the non mainstream Christian radio.  one night in particular, i was really struggling, and i was sitting in the recliner looking up a song.  it was Bellarive, I Know You.  and as i was listening and noticing the words it was as though God, the Holy Spirit, was truly in the room with me, looking straight at me, understanding exactly what was going on and what i was going through, and saying,

"i know you and this is hard and you are going to be okay."

it was still a month later, i remember telling a friend, "if things don't get a little better soon, i need to call my doctor and go back on an anti-depressant."  because it was like there was a dark cloud over me and it kept getting darker every day. 

i think it was the next week that lee's company allowed him to work mondays and fridays from home.  that was enough to take the edge off and i was thankful.  it was as if God allowed me to walk right up to the door of deep depression and knock, but also allowed the door not to be opened that time.  and i was thankful.  things were still hard, but the cloud was not as dark.

the other songs that define that time in my life were "Good to Me" by Audrey Assad (i lift my head to the hills where my help comes from) and "Trust" by Kristene Mueller-Dimarco.  these are not popular songs, but these are all songs that God made sure i somehow heard.

that was all years ago.  recently, our family has experienced a move.  it is a positive move, but any move requires everyone stepping out of some familiarity and comfort.  it takes time to build relationships, get to know people and for people to get to know you. 

but, i do not want to forget a certain moment when again i felt deeply known and loved by God.  in december, my family and i went to a bluegrass Christmas concert that they must have every year at the public library here in town.  i wanted us to go mainly because my husband loves bluegrass music.  i like certain bluegrass music, but if i am being honest, a lot of it i cannot tolerate because of the singing.  (maybe i watched too much of The Voice).  but, this group had pure voices that stayed on pitch.  (i know, i am ridiculous).  it was beautiful.  there were no microphones.  and they were singing Christmas songs that i had never heard before, and that i loved. (i still don't know even the names of the songs.  there was no program.) it was as if God was handing me a gift that night, just for me.  there was a lot of wonder in that moment when i got a glimpse of something bigger than myself knowing me better than i know myself.  i mean, does it get any better?

for this year, i know certain changes are coming and it is important for me to remember how God has shown up in the past, is with me always anyway, and truly knows me.  i wonder what new songs and stories will be written and shared and also what passages of scripture will have more clarity in my life in this next year.  

Yahweh your God is among you,
a warrior who saves.
He will rejoice over you with gladness.
He will bring you quietness[a] with His love.
He will delight in you with shouts of joy.


Zephaniah 3:17










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